Because i have never actually in the flesh been loved as i would think love to be i have always found that i would rather pour my soul out to each and every person, in love, than to be given love. Mainly because it has never turned out right. Be it my family, or people i have met, or friends. There has been some serious flaws in all of these relationships that may have turned me off from even wanting them to love me.
To give is better than to receive, and i believe that whole heatedly. Believing we are made to be nurturers and givers of love both the passionate initimate type the person to person type and also that i would Give Love To JEHOVAH WHO Is my GOD. From The Love that i Have For The ONE, JEHOVAH, i believe that All Love Should Be Connected To HIM.
I often wondered now that my life has been changed how wonderful i think it would be to have a husband now, even as i without a doubt know that it is at the last of days, i still would love to have a man in my life to be involved in my Spiritual Romance With my GOD, JEHOVAH. It is my dream, that even at this time of the closing of this world, that i could be still growing strong together with a spouse. Also i wish i would have been brought up Knowing The Truth and thus passed it on to my children. Of course i cry frequently that if i would have had even a inkling that this was going to happen to me i would have thought well not thought but behaved differently, done things differently. It was hard enough knowing that i messed up the lives of my family. That is a horrible memory to carry around day after day. Because i think i do not know or remember my own pain from growing up i think i still at least double cringe with pain in my heart when i think of the different personalities of my girls and how i affected each one.
Just because i have been out of their life for far too long now i still know the types of girls they are and i can visual in my heart the pain that i have put them through. Of all things and i have numerous large item very wrong sins in my life that would be to me one of the worst because of everyone involved. It is sickening to me that i have done that to them and to my ex. Never can i take it away, never can it be made better, and all the time i have lost is just that time that will never be regained.
In my life i alway said i wanted to love like i have never been loved and to some extent i have. Not always has it been appropriate, more than likely it may have not been. But that is what i knew and along with a wrong love, i also believe that i also was able to Love right as well. Love was something i had to make up as i went, with even thoughts as to how each person needed special love or Special Love. Being a Lover of Love i know that everyone we meet we can Love but it honestly may be just so long of an ordeal that it just wears you down and so you just have to let go and still Love. And everyone is different and how we Love should be for those needs, getting to the root of the need and helping to nurture.
In
Love sought is good
but given unsought
is better.
And though it is about you and is a letter of sorts to you, i know that you will probably never read this and that is most fine, but i have feelings and have always had feelings to Love but between a man and a woman i feel that i was actually or am actually in love with you.
But when i cried at your window, it was not as any woman i have ever been, and i was in a mind frame that i really was showing a strength that i have actually never known, and that woman, yes, making a scene out side your place was not the same woman that i have ever been, but a woman who was genuine in my heart to help you and love you in a decent way.
And though once i realized at the time when you brought it up about the incident i felt terrible and foolish because i was Learning things still and if anyone could make me feel little after trying to do something big, it would be you. Especially with all i had or had not told you about the changes in my life. Since the hill.
This is a translation Of The Scripture i think that Paul, The Apostle Paul wrote about what love is and what love is not. And i think in my translation of This Same Scripture It Says This,
Love is long suffering.
The Scripture goes on to list what Love is and is not and what Love does and does not do as well, like this has done here.
Love in the sense that in my life i have experienced has been always a hurtful thing. Someone says they love you and actually they do ish,they do love something about you and may even Love you but because they did not know how to Love it became destructive, abusive and harmful. That example is my mother.
I believe she as she said, loved me, but she had phobia over me as well, that i would grow up, get sense and strength and get out. It was her fear she said that i would leave her, and i really believe it really was, a fear of hers. Why that would drive her to all sorts of harmful behavior, i do not know.
But i do believe that she loved me.
all that i can think is that 
my mother was afraid of losing me or being a failure. Which technically,yes, she was. Yes, she was horrible in more ways than she was decent in ways as mothering is concerned. But this is the thing, i kept loving even Loving my mom, because i knew that there were things that were far to complex for my age to understand, going on with her, even young i knew something was really and severely wrong with my mom, and it ended up starting things in a wrong direction for me.
I do not put those things on my mother, and i do not think as i became an adult and things were very stressful with things i was doing in my life i did look back and wonder how did all this happen where did it really start going this bad, how far back in our family were there problems leading us all into such bad trails in life?
But i also knew that at a certain age i was responsible for what was going on in my life, because it was now just a way of life,with or with out the "reasons" of my mother, i was now all owner of the things i now how to try and undo.
Of course i can not undo the things already done. The best that i have done is own up to numerous ones, ones i did not even think of and incidents that were long forgotten and hurtful when brought up to my mind again to rethink and understand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love in every respect has been a challenge
heart break, heart ache,
Literally Love has at times
and to make clear
Love is one word
but
love,Love,LOVE
are the levels that i have put the word Love.
i know that sounds strange
but
i could be talking about one type of Love
i guess i just am making things complicated
and i guess that when i write
and i know what Love that i am describing
then i guess i will write it differently
but not necessarily in the detail that i would normally
i think that i s what i am trying to say.
i know that no one will actually read this
but
i like to think all things out so as to map out my thoughts
anyways, i am glad in a way that due to the stress
that i have found myself under
and
all sorts of problems keep manifesting
i finally sat down tonight to hopefully
really address my feelings
decent or indecent
wrong or forgivable
i do not know but have opened up
TO THE ONE ALL KNOWING
and nothing can be held back
and i know that it may not be very appropriate to discuss
these feelings because it is wrong.
but this is all i am able to say to my defense
if there is such thing when it clearly is wrong
but here is my heart,
and many things, though i understand not nearly enough,
i have done to clean myself up
again i know i have a long way to go under the present circumstances
but there was significant improvement
in all areas
especially for a substantial length of time,
which in real time or years lived in bad bad conditions
that i did make,
versus
time making efforts to get all things cleaned up
i admit are pretty small and almost would go unnoticed
because they were not that long
but
actually
for many things it was for the first time
and
my MOTIVATION Was Clear
that i would be making these changes.
Sorry to drag out my thoughts to you
but my point is that this specific person
has held my heart,
before
THIS EVENT THAT
Changed my behaviors
and how it was that i was living
no i am still as i said along ways from where i need to be
to even probably get those prior things cleared up
but i saw that it was possible to think different
and behave different
and feel wonderful and alive.
but i also saw that i still hurt in my heart over
this person, this man whom i fell in love with.
it has been some time now
going on 4 years at least
and my heart hurts as much now as then.
that is why i am sitting down tonight
or early morning to write out a few things
and hopefully be freed of them
but i know that by writing i always feel better
though depending on my fame of mind
looking later at the things i have written
in different circumstances
like haste or anger at someone
or to try and make a point
often times
more often than not i really get embarrassed
upon reading the thing written
later and for the first time.
anyway
going to move on
and
finish writing.
But all in all you were not being mean,
You were only being honest.
Honesty.
But the more time goes by and my hearts gets battered around by things i just can not change. Hurt is not making me stronger. And even Love is breaking me down. Even i pray about my situation with you and also i Pray about SOMETHING ELSE THAT HELPED me to deal with all of this.
True i can handle bruises but i do not want any more character made by them.
________________________________________ i do care completely about seeing that the people that i love are happy and i do try and put their happiness before my own. So if they are happy i am even happier.
It has been said to Love yourself
Then you will love all the more. Or Love others as much as you love yourself.
It makes me wonder. i do not and have not ever loved myself. But i Love to death others. Because i lack that i feel that i give more than usual because it helps me feel better not about myself but about them.
It is better to give than to receive.
Never in my life had i ever kissed someone with that much passion. When i kissed you i melted right into you. Limp, you are a wonderful kisser i do not know where all the things that you brought out in me came from but i loved being with you. Never in my life have i ever fell asleep in the arm of someone. In your arms, i slept like i will never again sleep. Those times i can not ever forget, nor can i forget how much i love you.
It often enters into my min, will i ever be able to have someone that i will love like i have loved you. In texas i spent much time crying when i would talk about you, you have my fleshly heart. Having had some very serious events in my life, i know i put myself in a sort of jeopardy and what is more crushing to me is that i will never be with you again. Try as i might to get myself on the straight and narrow, for every step in that direction i have taken, someone digs two feet for me to fall. Loving you is something of a torture, a torture of my heart,it is as if just the thought of you pushes me it to some sort of sick passionate love seizure, i want you, want to be with you, want to take care of you and want to make you happy. Wants.
We both know i do not need anymore strikes on my record, as i am in steady fear of. Whatever your belief is that is your own understanding but i know for a fact that i am living out the last minutes and it is terrible and terrifying because i tried to make immediate corrections and was so excited about my new found life. Only to have everything i was working to achieve yanked out from below me and to what turn me back out into this world? This whole string of events has knocked me back so that i can not pull myself back together, i needed things how they had been.
Never have i been able to self govern myself. And finally i was getting the help i needed to make a path new, now i am stuck in the mud with absolutely no one, of flesh to be straight with me. Everyone that comes into my life from the the trip from texas and from off the ill, noone is in my life with out an agenda and it is not to ultimately help me.
I do not put flesh above my relationship with JEHOVAH but i do explain to HIM that i am human, and i am alone dealing with things that i have never heard anyone having to deal with. Oh i know you do not care but if you saw some of these things that have been written about you and the way the evil spirit things drive me to insanity about you. I love you, and they know it so they constantly mess with my mind sometimes i have to just shut down,oh it all hurts and i hate it i do not want to be alive right now. I am tired of things i can not explain, i am tired of being hostage to myself, i have ruined myself so as there is no coming up to get out, so i sit day in day out rotting away and there is nothing that i can but end it or ride it out but i was strong for the start of things and i have no strength because there is no hope for this world.
Everyday i see things that i can not explain to anyone but JEHOVAH. Everyday i need HIM in my life, and talk To HIM about every concern that i could not otherwise talk about, and i all the time i have to talk To HIM because HE Is The Only ONE WHO Can Truly Understand and i hope HE Will Be somewhat sympathetic to all these things i am seeing and having to deal with. It really gets too much, to heavy for me.
So i have been thinking through if i have any options at all. Not much more of this can i take. It is just to far towards the end of this system of things for me meet a replacement for you, and to top that off i am afraid to meet someone as well. I know that there is no replacement for what you have done to my heart, remember chuck? The guy you drove to walmart and then took to his house, well i was ready, willing and excited to give you up for hi, the second, no the first time that he stopped by the house, i cried my eyes out in front of him telling him how he reminded me of you. When i got baptized right when i got out of the hospital the pastor guy, guess who he resembled? You! And of course you do not see what i see that is that i see that brings you to mind but on chuck, his facial features, there was just somethings that really reminded me of you in him. Boy was i happy to have him around because i kept my mind clean and off you and i was thankful for that, i needed a break from constantly crying to have you out of my mind.
Even dreams, all the time, your in them, it must be creepy to you to have someone obsessed both willing and not. In the beginning you do not know what i went through trying to erase you out of my mind. Never have i been this out of myself about a guy. Not certain all the make up of what is wired wrong in my mind that i can not drop it but you make me hungry, crazied and illogical.
And the kicker of it from a woman to man relationship standpoint. I was not anything to you. Plain and simple. It is like me being in love with a doormat. Meaning your done, you were never started, but i knew that first night that you were different and i did not want the night to end, i enjoyed being with you, even that night. But it was not until i do not really know that i realized i was crazy about you and i wanted you for me. Period. Well Valerie of course made me feel terrible but i figured her, ok, but all this other stuff you had going on, it hurt me so much. But i know that it was my comes around and it got me hard. Boy what goes around comes around, i'm done paying. I Can Not Pay Anymore! If i would have known anything that i know now i would never have done anything that i have done but it is done and what am i to do? i can only take so much more.
I hate talking to Tom, i know i have completely ruined his life, i had no idea i would be someone in The BIBLE and that i was going to have darkness on A BIBLICAL Scale following and i had no clue! Who in the world could ever had foreseen the mess i am in? None of these things had i ever even heard of and now i am smack in the mess of it and i have no idea even what to do. When i did do what i thought was right i got shut down immediately and now i am back out into the world and what? somehow i am supposed to make it? No, i have no special about me that is saying i am going to make it but instead make things worse with the things mainly the drugs.
Probably this week i will be talking to this guy and asking to help me out. It is killing me to think about the mess i have put everyone in. I had no idea, who could have know? I was not brought up in The Truth, i did not know these things only with the human feelings of hurt and sadness but not fear of Actually being held accountable in my alive lifetime for a life of bad decisions. None of this i had known everything just happened that fast. When they were chasing me around i thought for sure i was going to die But That Very Day The Presence Of JEHOVAH Came Above this house and from That Day my entire life changed but i just can not make any sense of things right now.
Having to put my girls through more trauma does not make me feel better but i think that being alive also is not doing any one any benefit. Day in and day out, i Love JEHOVAH, i Love That HE Ever Came Into my life as HE Has but i can not understand what is happening everyone is against me and i am alone. That was my fear as a child was to be left alone.
Well it is late 11:55 p.m on March 18,2012 signing off of this letter that will probably never make it to your eyes but i feel like i am at least talking to someone, though i know that you would never read all this. It helped me feel better.
________________________________
Yes, many times i have cried and been beside myself with hurt because i let you treat me like a complete doormat. But i love this person so intensely that i just want him to be happy. i did not care
about the way that he treated me,
i just wanted him to be happy,
now i spend my time worried sick about him and the things happening
and have been for three years
and all this time he has kept silent and having me feel like it was me
but in fact there were things going on that
were not yet addressed.
i do everyday think about how attached i have stayed,
even over all this time, i have not even erased
how i feel about you
i have cried about it, i have pained about it,
Prayed about it, screamed about it
and still in my heart
you are there.
Now that i see that you really are in a strange and even terrible situation i get furious and beyond hurt at what they are doing. i wished that things were not as they are. Neither of us had any idea the consequences of either of our actions.
i am sorry for all the things i have done, i regret ever having put people i love in a bad situation, i regret all the things that i have put myself through thinking that it was just me. It was not just me that i was effecting.
Common sense should have been the rule as to the things i have done.
And now that i wanted to clean up my life, those things are i guessing part of the problem of moving forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment